Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
