She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
