When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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