How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
