i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
