can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
