Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
