Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
