Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
