You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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