Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
