I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
