It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
