So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
