Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
