im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
