The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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