end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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