have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
