I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
