Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
