Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
