Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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