I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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