you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
