I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
