I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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