It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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