you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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