who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
