my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
