walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
