a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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