my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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