take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
