I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
