Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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