Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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