bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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