some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Randomize
