my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
