I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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