Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
