You're my little dorito
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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