there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize