i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
