Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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