oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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