dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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