Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
