3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
