Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
