The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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