I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
