What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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