I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
