So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
